Brother Louie - Stories

We just started watching Louie CK's new show on FX and it's funny but not as hilarious as his stand up is. Not much of a story there.

I will tell you a story of what happened yesterday. This weekend I pretty much bummed around for two days and enjoyed doing nothing. I went in the pool everyday and it was amazing! Yesterday I thought I would read a little outside and then when I could bear the heat no more - jump in the pool. I decided to take out my little Lucy with me. I walk outside and I see my father in law has put out nuts to feed the squirrels. Side note - they have done this for years and the squirrels are obese now and the nuts also bring rats as well. Disgusting.

Anyways, Lucy sits by me like a good puppy and then ventures to do some backyard exploring. She heads straight for the nuts because she is never full of having treats. She ate two nuts and then I jumped up and realized they were macadamia nuts. I grabbed her and ran into the house and asked my mother in law - "Did you guys put out macadamia nuts outside?" She said, "yes we are trying to get rid of them."

I was fuming. For those of you who do not know what a dog can or cannot eat. Macadamia nuts is a no no. So I calmed myself and went to my computer to see if I should immediately take her to the vet or what. So of course everyone says - call your vet. I call the Pet Emergency Clinic because it is Sunday and my vet is not open. I go over the details with the lady and she says they cannot say what to do because it is poison ingested from 'people food'. Huh? She gave me the number to the Animal Poison Control. I start to get nervous.

Jason knew I was upset and tried to calm me down but I just blew - 'Why would you put stuff outside that is poisonous to dogs when you have dogs that go outside!! If you want to get rid of stuff - throw it away!!' He was smart and just walked away to talk to his parents.

I call the Animal Poison Control and had to pay $65 just to talk to someone and see if I should take my dog in or not. I again go over the details with the lady and she said the vet if it was her dog she would stay at home and monitor her. She said I can expect the following:

- Vomit & diaherria

- Macadamia nuts affects the brain so she may become quiet and have a hard time walking or the use of her hind legs.

- Tremors

At this point I have a lump in my throat and am scared because I don't want to see Lucy go through this. She told me the symptoms when I need to call them back because it is more serious (ie. cannot stop vomiting, cannot get up, really bad tremors). She also said because nuts are high in fat in 2 to 3 days I can possibly see her start vomiting all over again because she has pancreatitis and for that I need to take her in. Good times.

I get off the phone and Jason is waiting there with a worried look on his face because he sees all the notes I took from my conversation. He said, "Is she gonna die?" That made me smile a little because he shared my over active worry. I went through what the lady said and assured him that I'm sure she will probably just be sleepy tonight because she only ate two. Meanwhile Lucy is acting normal and chasing a fly around the room. To me this was a good sign. Jason said his parents felt bad and thought I was mad at them, which I initially was but in reality Lucy could have snatched a piece of chocolate from me. It was an accident - I'm over it. So, I go out and talk to his parents and assure them that I'm not angry and I tell them what the lady told me. Jason's mom proceeds to tell me all the 'poisonous' things she fed her dogs for years and they never had any problems and finds it interesting that everyone says that they are poisonous now. She said I come from the day when you give your dogs left overs. I said yeah I never knew all the things that could be bad for dogs - but there are reasons that vets are saying they are bad for dogs - so I want to stay away from them. At this point I'm getting irritated again because I feel she is saying I'm overreacting and that it's no big deal and that everyone focuses on the 'horror stories'. I just walked away.

So about an hour passes and Jason's parents wanted to show us something on the TV so we go into their living room to watch. I brought Lucy and she was running around like normal. Jason's mom said 'Wow, call the ambulance she is really sick'. Stay calm. Geez isn't there some laundry I should be doing? Hmm - I leave with Lucy.

Throughout the night Jason's dad goes about his business and has to go through our section of the house to do it - but thoughtfully comes and checks on Lucy. She is still going nuts - no bringing her down. He says 'Yeah she is really sick - maybe she needs some more nuts'. Boiling. Maybe I'm just sensitive - but shut up!!!

I seriously believe macadamia nuts for Lucy is crack. She was running around like I have never seen her. Really, really jumpy. Around 9:30 I was filling up her water and she was just sitting there being a good puppy and she started shaking and twitching. I screamed for Jason and he ran in she finally stopped but I was scared. He was like calm down Chrystal - she is gonna be fine! I lost it once again. I really needed release some anger - maybe punch someone, good ol' hair pull or a nice pinch. Instead I just went and read a book to get away. Lucy snuggled up next to me.

Lucy was sleepy at her normal time and Jason and I ended the evening on good terms with Lucy between us on the bed.

I am friggin' exhausted. But I like this song.

Filet O' Fish

So the other night Jason and I were on our way to hang out with friends and we had talked about getting in their pool. I told Jason we should get them a ridiculous child swim ring so we stopped by CVS. I went down the isle with the swim stuff and Jason went down the other isle with the kid toys. I hear Jason gasp then say, "Chrys! You need to get over here immediately!" There was almost half a row of these talking/singing wall fish. It was singing a Filet O' Fish song that apparently was in a McDonald's commercial awhile back. This friggin' song will NOT leave either of our heads now! Jason can't stop laughing about it and wants to get it for our house so when his dad gets up to let their dogs out it will scare the crap out of him or make him laugh. I don't want it because selfishly I believe this will affect my wonderful blog. I know that if we have that in our house - as funny as it is - my morning music will end! Seriously - watch this below a few times and tell me that you can't get this song out of your head! Jason and I have been singing and dancing to this song for 2 days now!!

I Can Talk - Two Door Cinema Club

Love this song! We were on our way to hang out with friends last night when this came on the radio. So I immediately start car dancing (exaggerated arm movements with hair flips). Poor Jason - he is just used to this by now but I'm sure its embarrassing. He is so good to me - he knew I loved this song and he put it on my iPod but I never knew until last night.

This video reminds me of how dirty my room was growing up and sometimes what my 'hang up' clothes pile looks like. I hate hanging up clothes. The video also reminds me of how much I loved and still love making tents out of sheets and blankets. The last time my nieces came to my house I made up a tent in my living room and we played "Tornado". We were all screaming 'Oh no the tornado is coming!' while I shook the sheets. Mia had to go save Uncle Jason and Lucy from storm and then we all huddled together until it passed. There were about 10 tornados that came through my living room that day. I love those little girls!!

Too Many Songs

I woke up with a lot of songs in my head this morning. I had a huge fight with a friend that I knew was going to happen sooner or later. I thought that I was going to be upset but I actually feel FREEDOM from the drama! This person was all up in my grill and needed to "extract the rafter from your own eye" (to quote the Bible - right back at ya sweety)! Have you ever had a person in your life that is just sucking the life out of you and nobody understands why you are friends with them? Well, I had one of those. But after the blow out I said hit the road!

Anyways I wanted to leave you with a song that was in my head when I went to sleep snuggling with my sweet puppy Lucy who tries to dig in closer to me constantly. I'm like 'honey you are as close as possible!' She was so sweet and has the cutest face. The song 'Baby Mine' from Dumbo came to mind. I know I'm a nerd but I love her so much. Anyone who can see that part and not shed some tears or at least get a lump in their throat has no heart! I have seen that movie a million times and I get choked up every time I see it.

West Coast - Coconut Records

This is kind of a weekend update. I woke up to this song in my head this morning at 3am when I abruptly woke up to the smell of smoke in my parents guest bedroom. I sat up and made sure that I wasn't dreaming - yes it smelled like smoke. So I jumped up and opened the door and the rest of the house did not smell like smoke, so I was smelling around the room like a hound dog and woke up my poor husband who basically just fell asleep and he did not smell anything. At this point I couldn't smell anything either. I felt like a dumb ass. So I laid back down and smelled smoke every once in awhile and Jason still couldn't smell it. So I came to a conclusion. I was dying. I pictured that I was going to be on the next "Monsters Inside Me" or some scary TLC show. This is the interview I made up in my mind:

Interviewer: When did you first know something was wrong?

Me: I started smelling smoke randomly and no one ever smelled it!

Interviewer: So what is the final diagnosis?

Me: I'm dying of a smoke parasite that is living in my brain and it is slowly deforming me.

Then it cuts to pictures and videos when I was happy and normal.

Then while I laid in my parents old bed I realized something - I am a nut job. Then I started thinking of the bed that we were sleeping in. My mom had this bed I think since she was 15 or 16 and it was my parents bed for years. It was a double bed and my dad was so tall that he had to hang his feet over the edge of the frame of the bed. When my parents finally got their California King my dad said he had a hard time adjusting because his feet were not hanging off the bed. I always thought that was hilarious. I'm surprised that their bed was never broken by us. When my parents would go out to dinner we would run into their room and twist around the bed posts like it was a Magic Mountain ride. We never had a problem finding fun. So, my sister and I ended up sharing my mom's old bed when we were in high school - Tabi was 16 and I was 14. My sister Tabi was never someone that you could get to laugh easily and when we started to share a room I needed to have her think I was the funniest person on the planet because my sister Heather would always laugh at the silly things I would say. Tabi was different. So I needed to use drastic measures. The top of the bed posts could be removed and used as fake microphones for my serenades to Tabi. One of the songs that finally got her to laugh was the famous "Because she" song. Don't ask me the lyrics because I used to just walk around the room holding the top of the bed post like Frank Sinatra making up lyrics, but the whole point of the song was to explain what Tabi was doing or not doing - the start of every lyric started with "Because she...". Confirmation = nut job.

Jason played this song a few times on the way up to visit my parents. We then started talking about how cool Jason Schwartzman is. I said "Yeah he's hot." Jason almost swerved off the road and looked at me and said "What! You think he is hot!" I said, "Well he is not like Christian Bale or Brad Pitt hot or anything but - yeah he's hot". So then I listed the below items of why I think he is hot:

1. Great personality (because I know him so well)

2. Dresses cool and has good style

3. Musician

4. Love his movie selection and characters

He finally understood my thinking.

I got to see my Grandpa a few times this weekend as well. He has been sick and is in an extended care facility until he finishes up his antibiotics. It was so good to see him. Sitting and talking with him, my Grandma and my mom I realized why I am the way I am. My grandpa sat there talking about his favorite songs and why he loves music. I told him about my blog and he said "You are like me! I wake up with songs in my head too! I love song lyrics and melodies." We sat and talked about musicals and his time in Navy. He has been through so much but I really believe he will outlast us all! He is really the energizer bunny. I promised him to be a good granddaughter and visit him more. He said, "Make some time for the old guy." Umm....stab to the heart.

On a food point which my friend TILTE will love. We went to the Hitching Post in Casmalia for dinner on Thursday night and stuffed ourselves with the most amazing food! Their artichoke appetizer is ridiculous and I dream about it. I had a 5oz Filet and a baked potato. Everything was delicious! I don't know how my parents don't go there every night!

By the way - the smoke smell was from a trunk that my mom had in the room. It was my sister's when her massage room caught on fire from her dipshit partner who left the candles burning. The company cleaned the trunk but you can still smell the smoke every once in awhile. We were there for 4 days and finally smelled it on the last night. So you will not see me on the next episode of "Monsters Inside Me" or TLC. Whew!

Here is the song:

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - Life of Brian

Don't ask me why this song is in my head because I actually have never seen this entire movie. I of course have seen this part of the movie and thought it was hilarious. 'Life's a piece of shit - when you look at it!'

I just recently in the last year saw the entire Monty Python's Holy Grail. It was the movie Jason would put on with his buddies at the end of the night and I always fell asleep. These movies are the favorites of Jason and his buddy Adam. I think it is better to watch it with them because of how much Adam laughs. It is the same experience I have when watching Young Frankenstein with my brother - it is so much funnier because he laughs hysterically at the below part.

I think my sub-conscience knew I needed some comedy today. "Hello handsome!"

I love Gene Wilder!

Knockin' on Heaven's Door - Guns & Roses

Yes I know mom - Bob Dylan wrote and sang this song. But of course I have a good story that goes with the Gun & Roses version. Well I guess it is really not my story - it is my sister Heather's story. I hope you don't kill me for this H.

Heather moved up to Santa Maria before we did and as she always does, made friends immediately. She was dating someone at the time but of course she is beautiful and the Santa Maria boys didn't know where to get. She was adored by all of them.

She told me that one time she went to one of her friends parties and this guy asked her to slow dance to Knocking on Heaven's Door by Guns & Roses and she accepted. The guy was basically drooling over her the whole time and all of the sudden - HELLO!! - she knew he was very happy. The guy was obviously proud of it because he made no effort to back away. She also said he had a creepy smile on his face. EWWW! After the song was over she ran away from him and told her friends and for the rest of the evening they were singing to her "Knock knock knockin' on Heather's door!" She was mortified.

The best part about this story to me is imagining my sisters face. When she is shocked or disgusted she is like me in the fact that it cannot be hidden on her face. I'm sure her eyes were huge and her mouth pursed and in her mind she was saying "SICK!"

I can't stop laughing!!